Marriage? be careful boys and girls!
I know parents of young boys and girls are going to kill me for this headline, but let me run a morbidity risk…
When 2 young people get married they are starry eyed. Some of them even get married because of love! Well whether it is an arranged marriage or a ‘love’ marriage (which means arranged by the youngsters) I have no clue what they talk about in the period from ‘engagement’ to actual marriage. Given a chance I would want this to be on their agenda….
1. Most of the kids know how much each other make: Safe assumption is that the boy and the girl know how much each other earns. Gross, CTC, net, etc. HOWEVER they have no clue of how this is spent.
It is nice to know that your husband earns Rs. 68,000 per month as net, but NOT KNOWING that an unmarried sister takes away Rs. 12,000 per month, an unemployed father in law takes away Rs. 14,000 for himself….is TRAGIC. The net amount that is available to ‘you’ and your husband is NET of taxes. Taxes levied at home hurt more does it not?
I know one girl who was shocked to see her husband pay a BIG EMI on a personal loan taken by her BROTHER IN LAW – he had borrowed that to pay off a big business LOSS.
2. Spending habits: A Chennai boy was stunned at his wife’s ability to blow money in one shopping trip! His mother and sister would spend that much in a YEAR. So if the money habits are very different, there is bound to be a big shock later on.
3. A Mumbai boy spent money lavishly at his honeymoon – much against her wishes, and when the bill came for payment coolly asked the girl to pay the credit card dues. Simple.
4. ‘Own’ house or ‘rented’ house? One guy who had bought a house about 6 months before the wedding was paying ALMOST all his income as EMI. The marriage was convenient because her salary was ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to run the household. The father in law was not earning but staying with them…which meant she was now a married slave paying an EMI for a house (indirectly) that belonged ONLY to her husband, and did not have her name on the ownership documents. She had no clue what to do. Neither did I know what to tell her.
5. One guy expected his wife to pay for her food expenses. Amusing thought you would think, right? Well she had to pay about Rs. 15,000 a month for ‘her share’ of the household expenses. She was NEVER told how much was the total expenses, but she had to pay. She had NO CLUE about what her husband did with his Rs. 74,000 per month take home salary. It was NEVER discussed.
6. One girl was surprised at her husband obediently paying the EMI, society charges, etc. and then handing over the balance cash to his FATHER. The father a retired school master then allocated money to each person according to their needs. THEY ASSUMED that the daughter in law would OBVIOUSLY do the same thing. She came from a rich family where her father NEVER touched her money. She was shocked. She was expected to do that. Marriage ended on a divorce..there is young daughter…
All these are examples for you to read, assimilate, and show it to your spouse.
If you are not yet married, be sure to speak about such situations that could arise in YOUR LIFE…and hope to start your life on a nice note 🙂
Jitu
Excellent……
VK
Rightly pointed. In my own case, we’ve had our fair share of financial incompatibility related issues we had to deal with. After about 2-years of fights, quarrels, and missed dinners…we are now beginning to see better and find that middle path.
Apart from the family related responsibilities (forced or assumed), one should also pay close attention to few personal habits –
-> do we prefer to outsource all our basic work (laundry, cooking,…);
-> frequency of ‘fine dining’;
-> how many vacations we need per year to go see places;
-> is it really necessary to attend every social event we are invited to;
-> need to hire a driver when we could just as well drive ourselves;
-> hire someone just to clean the 4- and 2-wheelers..it isn’t a DIY work;
MRHDK2012
Liked your post Subra…these points are very important. Unfortunately most families don’t discuss money.
I read a quote which said given a choice Indian parents would discuss sex with their kids but not money.
VK’s comments above are also very pertinent.
SAM
Subra,
Scary and educational as always. Many a time when I read your post.. I realise how lucky I am. And for full 24 hrs.. I am nice to my hubby…LOL..
I have always believed Indian parents ( not all, but many of them) are control freaks, insecure and believe in extremely suitable traditions!
Again…. I have been very lucky (mostly).. with good sets of parents and parents in law…
bemoneyaware
Good to hear the stark reality of money.
In Earlier times life was simple, husband worked outside, wife took care of the house and kids.People lived in joint family where decision about money were taken by elders. Now the times have changed there are nuclear families, husband and wife both working often earning similar amount of money. So the question gets complicated as there is my money,your money and then your expenses, my expenses, ours expenses, our investments etc. The answer here is for couples to come together and decide on how to spend their money. Spouses need to maintain the mindset that they are on the same team; otherwise consequences just turn into angry retaliations and war tactics. But if they can maintain the we’re-all-in-this-together attitude, couples can take these steps to navigate the hazards they encounter
More covered in my post http://www.bemoneyaware.
sushila
Sir,
Nice article..unfortunately I did not have your blog 5 yrs ago when i got married…3 out of 6 points apply to me too…but u say naa love is blind…u give everything u have and just dont bother…But lately has realised that be smart, be diplomatic and simply speak out to ur spouse, to family so that everything is black and white.
Sunil
Marraige is not Bussiness Mr.Subra ji… loop holes and people with different mentality exist everywhere… it is not always necessary that they are Husband and Wife, they can be Father and Son… Bussiness partners (the list is exhaustive….).
So what is bad if Husband is riding on a Scooter which was bought with Wife’s money (before marraige)… you call it exploitation???
Husband Pays full EMI so is marrying for expenses… i think this is the lame reason in this world to marry…..
So a man who starts his bussiness in late 20’s and got bankrupt.. the best way to start fresh is to get Married???? – Ridiculous…
come on, some how i am not able to agree (FIRST TIME happened) with the said points..
PrAvEeN
“she was now a married slave paying an EMI” – These so called words sometimes make the girls feel more then actually what they are contributing. (Women Empowerment words in RaGa terms 🙂 )
For every one girl like this there are 1000’s of men who are working their ass off as more then slaves in shitty jobs for their family. But only girls get the sympathy 🙂
Pravin
well, live in relations are a good way to guage these habits.the love marriage types are probably more practical since they spend a lot of time with the partner before taking the plunge.there is more trial and error and implicit trust on elders judgement of strangers with an arranged marriage
Pravin
VK,
you are missing the point of Outsourcing stuff one can do,but are better off not doing ie: washing vehicles,laundry,cooking and other stuff which we CAN do,but sometimes dont do.
it is not like,these things are transfered off so that one can laze on the sofa and watch tv 8 hours a day. it is done so that,a stay at home wife can spend time on important things: with her children and their education for example. why waste time on less important things?
in fact as a rule of thumb,someone earning 60k per month take home,should outsource activities to the cost of 5k.
Balaji
@PrAvEeN- Very true !
Rajesh
Well said Praveen..
“she was now a married slave paying an EMI” — totally ridiculous.
I know of many cases where husband sponsored higher education of wife..
If they even mention it, whole world will pounce on him..
Also, I know 99% of cases, guys end up buying bigger house with fancy communities, wooden flooring,duplex houses as per the wife’s wish and struggling with huge EMIs, sympathy anybody?
such a hypocrite world. 🙁
Annapurna
Loved reading this – In a ver light hearted way, you’ve highlighted the very imp. issue of financial compatibility in marriage – which assumes more importance in the current times with both the spouses working.
MKJ
One key is – avoid surprises post marriage, so try to dig out as much info as possible early on, and then base your expectations on that (so money is not the only thing, there would be 20 other items which will rock the boat later). But then it would be great to know whether the above applies here only in India ? or is entire world enjoying the trip!! I suspect the latter.
Stephane
Very nice Blog, Thank you from France. Stephane Cardarelli.
Syamantak
surprisingly I can see in all terms the losers are the girls. what about the husbands who are forced to spend more on honeymoon just because she wished to have it in a memorable way. or what about the girl who committed to buy his dad a house after she got a job
on the 5th point, I do not see anything wrong in asking ‘her’ share as long as the total expense is disclosed to both the parties. in fact I feel both parties are earning, they both should contribute towards the expenses. what if the husband keeps spending whole salary on expenses and then the couple gets divorced. Wife is sitting on a pile of cash in hand where as husband is left with miserable or absolute no bank balance.
BeNoy
This is amazing and such a practical write up…
Exactly why I go numb whenever I’m asked “So when are you getting married?”…!!!
Thank you Subra.
atanu barik
good site i want to follow this site please Notify me of new posts by email
krod
I am going to get married in the near future. And this post is GOLD.
Thanks a lot. I am going to make a list of all these points in the post and the comments and make good use of them before and after marriage 😉