Expenses in a Joint family…
The Joint family as a concept is dying, but not dead. Also these days many people have one son – so there is not too much to ‘split’ or ‘divide’.
Having said that, joint families are still around – and one of the biggest problems is of course money.
Most heads of families expect the next generation to earn well and hand over the cash to the earlier gen who will decide how these kids will spend. To me this sounded ridiculous – till I saw so many cases that I realised that this was the norm!!
Worse is cases where the ‘elder’ son is expected to pay for the college fees of the younger son! Imagine a man who did NOTHING all his life has the ability to boss over his son who has done well for himself!! Well well what to do?
How does a son (and daughter in law) handle this? It is tough, well really tough.
Let us take the story of a man with a Rs. 56,000 take home salary – we are not talking about his wife’s Rs. 43,000 salary which she does not want to bring into the family kitty (much to the chagrin on the father in law).
He pays Rs. 28,000 as EMI (house is in his name) – he is left with 28,000 a month for the expenses of 5 people (the younger brother does not think he needs to contribute EVEN though he is earning!).
He has to pay society charges, electricity charges, ….all adding up to Rs. 20-28,000 leaving him with zero cash at the end of the month. He cannot even think of saving or investing.
All this happens because the parents are ex school teachers – they have given their house on rent and use the rental income for themselves. The parents and the younger brother think nothing about dipping into the elder son’s kitty for personal expenses. The older son (and his wife) cannot see a movie, take a holiday, ….etc. simply because there is no cash with him!!! He has to depend on his non contributing father for money.
What does the father do with his money? Well, the son is too soft to ask. The father does not have a great cash flow, but has rental income from a flat in the SAME CITY, and the younger son earns money and blows it up.
If the daughter in law were to talk, it would lead to fights…so she remains silent. Son cannot take up a job outside the city because the FATHER will not hear of it.
How do people solve such fights?
nitin bourai
nobody will come and rescue you
the older brother must call.everyone and explain the siruation and let his father run the family on trail basis for 2 months
if you do not care about your family then what is the point of living together.
speak up and live happy
VK
That’s a very close description of what’s happening in my family! Although my dad, elder bro, and myself reside in different cities, the elder is expected to bear the brunt of pretty much everything and everyone – uncle and his family, a few distant relatives,…. He’s way too soft to ‘talk back’ & question. His wife keeps quiet for the fear of backlash. Many times I end up batting for them and so I am the ‘rebel’ in the family! The elder bro is yet to get his own home or take care of the retirement kitty and plan for his kids future…
Indian Thoughts
Sir, i think the problem that I see in such cases (which BTW also runs in my family) is that “I have done this and so should you as well.” If you have worked all your life and now have to go thru this, it gets really frustrating, easier for younger spoil brats as no hard work and now all luxuries thanks to elders. 🙁
Hats off to VK if you fight for your elder bro.
Elbis
This is something which has always puzzled me. Your parents or uncles put in a lot of efforts/sacrifices to bring you up. Do you reciprocate in the same way all your life or you call it quits after a while (when you have a family of your own)?
Things get worse when the elders’ expectations aren’t met which lead to differences.
parag
Dear Subra, your post is similar to my own story being an elder son. My Father ran a small business and as soon as I passed out as an engineer he refused to let me work outside as he wanted to retire at the age of 50, so i joined his business.Meanwhile my younger brother graduated and did nothing except occasionally coming to our office for almost 20 years.I could not speak up or get out of this situation as all expense were controlled by my father.Finally i quit after toiling for 20 years without receiving even a small thank you from either my father or my brother and they now accuse me of being selfish.Hope this gives an insight why joint families are not surviving in these times.
Abhijit
That’s my story. The only difference is that I am younger and married. My elder brother was unmarried. We used to stay in the same house and since I found the house, I was paying all the rent and groceries and everything. Both of us were working. You know rents in Mumbai are high.
My brother did not ask me even once whether I need any monetary help. He had his entire salary for himself. Since I am younger, I am not supposed to speak against the elder brother. What to do?
Vasim
Thank GOD!!! I used to think I am the only one suffering….
Ramesh
This is stupidity. The elder one should kick the younger one out. He should make it clear to the father and get going with life.
Lakshmipathy G
Thanks for this post.
AD
The two people who can join hands and solve this problem are the elder son and his wife. They should split the home loan b/n them; saves taxes for both of them (if not for any other reason). This would leave the son with some additional money for savings.
Btw, I am a wife to an elder son, and we stay with my husband’s parents and a non-working brother. Plus, we have a two yr old daughter. And to top it all, I earn more than my partner. Which keeps me in the line-of-fire. Always.
param
‘walk away’ that is the only advice apt in this scenario. let the bank evict the rest of the family people & sell off the property & settle the case. the evicted family will evict the tenants & live in the house they have. this couple will start living a life of sanity, even at the cost of a bad credit score. i just hope they don’t plan to bring a child into the current equation.
btw, can’t the wife take him out for a movie out of her 43K sal?
nitin bourai
Your stories are really disturbing, i cant feel the same as i don’t have any brother but i must say if you have remained silent dosent mean that you have to suffer and never speak up.
every family member must know the financial situation of family.
generally fathers dont tell what is the reality and mothers take emotional decisions.
one of my closed friend mother has 3 kids and she made all the property in the name of kid with whom she is not living since then she is in problem.
don’t take financial discussions based on emotions
rajivahuja
Are you surprised at the comments. In a joint family.there various kinds of politics going on.There is Bhishma, Dhrirashtra etc.Who wins sometimes elder brother / younger brother . Bhishma is always present.I agree with Nitin’s point of view.
DA
The question should not be “How do people solve such fights?”, but “How soon should he speak up”.
To me it is only a matter of time before the elder son fights for his rights. The sooner he does it, better for him and his immediate family. He is losing out his golden period of investing/compounding.
Based on my experience with my friends in similar situations is that none of them (father, younger brother, etc) will EVER appreciate his sacrifices, so again, sooner he stands up for himself, the better for him.
Subramanian
I handed over all the money I earned before my marriage, after taking out for my expense and saving. The day I got married, my mother told now it is your money; you are a different family. Made thinks a lot easier.
Nalayini
@all,
hear my story…. 🙁
I was married into a small family with no mother in law and the familoy headed by father in law. all things were goin ok until my hubby was under tremendous pressure to hop to a job at a different city. dat was the start of all politics at home..first wen my hubby asked he happily agreed to move along to another city incase i also plan to join him and den few days later..fil tried to brainwash me to make me stay here till my hubby gets another job in the same city, and I said NO to it since i had plans to move to the same city as my hubby’s. He started various tactics…he called the younger son cried and made him to take a decision of applying to transfer to chennai.. it didnt end der, the transfer process was getting tough,, mean while he started moral policing me, locked me indoors wen he went for walkin early in the morning, found redhanded while meddling in my cupboard, found using my toilet 🙁
dats not all.. he made a big drama dat his health got deteriorated (all docs tested him n said he is completely ok jus dat he had some psychological depression )coz of his separation from his sons!!! as though i only spoilt his health… i still kept mum & found lately that he os throwing away wat i cook and making the maid cook for him stealthily,, luckily i found this only wen my daughter was sick and i put leave.. once i had to go to office he cud not feed or even give the medicines to my daughter (i send my child to daycare)…
wen my hubby confronted him abt the cooking matter, he told my hubby dat he wanted hot food.. so my hubby asked the maid to cook for him!!! 2 weeks back wen i sprained my ankle, he called and asked me how i felt and whether i wud be able to come home that night.the reason being he told me days earlier dat he didnt want to be left alone at any cost ( he was alone wen i went to meet my hubby in a diff city) because he so afraid somethin may happen to him).. yday wen i said my uncle died and so i cudnt come home as i have to travel.. his reaction was ok ill tell my son and ask if any of his frnds can accompany me !!!! he didnt ask who died or how he died!!!
Both my hubby and me are living separately renting out 2 homes at diff cities, ofcourse both are working but jus having a break even life 🙁 !!!spending on everythin he needs…but tomorrow if something happens to me i wonder if he ever call my hubby to tell am sick or to call his friends to stay with him !!!!!
having known all this me n hubby dont know what to do.. the yooooounger brother is also elsewer.. my life is turning into hell
Nalayini
Oh u forgot to tell u why he was hesitating to come along with us… he was pursuing a degree in music, and moving out of city will ruin his plans.. he has openly told dis,, ofcourse in a very diplomatric manner!!!
Sushila
Thank God I did not marry!!!!!!
But incorrect to say that I saved myself of the miseries of life.
I have a father who is a control freak and manipulative, I am a rebel and walked out a few times but return on humanitarian grounds.
Though it is not a financial setback to me, but I am drained emotionally.
None of my other siblings want him and he has bequeathed all his wealth to children who don’t want him.
I conclude the relations are not based on love but based on politics.
Amp
Life is just like that my friends, all you have you to do to manage at anycost
i am also living life at edge after my marriage but anyhow i am surviving
🙁