Exploitation by parents – ‘Entitlement Generation’ ?
I have a friend who says whenever he gets a raise – or around that time – his father has some demand worth Rs. 30-40k come up. It could be remodeling his furniture, change of a/c, new washing machine, …a vacation etc.
His father used to work in a private sector company and retired as a clerk. Has no pension, and the kingly provident fund is long gone. Only decent investment he had was a 1bhk which got sold to get his daughter married off. So by 2005 his father had no house, and a princely sum of Rs. 700,000 in bank fixed deposits, post office, etc. This gives him an annual CASH FLOW of about Rs. 50,000 which is spent on the medicines, and other social obligations. THEY REALLY HAVE NO SURPLUS.
However, his father expects the son to look after them – fair enough. The son is doing reasonably well, but is not really an Investment banker with money coming out of his ears!! So on a tight budget he has to look after his parents (he has a 3bhk, but it is packed) – his 2 children are growing up (hate sharing a room, but what the hell!!). His wife wants to take up a job again – just to get out of the house. Life is not easy.
Should the son tell the father ‘No way how you are going on a vacation – I need the money for paying YOUR health insurance premium, medical bills, …etc’ or should he indulge them?
Should he tell them ‘No attending weddings of your ‘relatives’ spending Rs. 3000 per wedding (taxi, gift, travel sometimes),,,,
Should he tell them: ‘I have no enthusiasm to meet your friends and relatives who pile on. Sorry, but we need some privacy and cannot find it in this house because of the people visiting you.’
Should he tell them: You need to pay your doctors’ bills, health insurance bill, a part of the food bill, ….and then use the left over ( if any) for other indulgences….
tough for children too!
As a 50 year old one can appreciate the feelings of a 23 year old and a 50 year old…..but not sure I can see the world from a 81 year old. I do not wish to comment, just to say that while allocating money you need to take care of 3 generations….
DB DESAI
I find that wherever a person is working as clerk or such lower level of job hierarchy he is downgraded and looked upon as a low level personal in all aspects of his personality. This is wrong. Your friend’s father was a clerk does not mean he has some inherent bad tastes, habits, thinking etc. Many high profile, highly educated, rich and powerful people are behaving in very bad and derogatory manner not only in their personal but also in social life jeoparadising interests of many poor people. There is no fault of your friend’s father that he was a clerk. Now about his financial demands from his son are wrong and they should discuss it freely if the relation between them are like that. If not he should clearly tell his father about his financial responsibilities and limitations. Simeltaneously he should take care that all familty responsibilities or rather duties of minimum care and comfort are taken care of.
PK
Many parents are not aware of the financial situation of their children.They have to be made aware of the hardship the children are facing.I faced similar unreasonable demands from my mother.Now I have made a reasonable monthly financial commitment which I transfer to their account every month and I have also explained my situation. So,it is also easy for me do my financial planning.Secondly,they are free to use the amount in any way they can.
Nishant Sahay
Touchy issue!!
My take – It is the son’s duty to support his parents.
However, just like the children should not be oblivious of their parents’ income and expenses, so should the parents be aware of the family’s financial condition.
The family’s needs should be met. Any surplus amount left after meeting all the expenses/investments/insurances, can be used to fulfill the family’s wishes. Nothing works better than a one on one communication between family members.
Sushila
Well……
I am a victim of emotional black mail by parent,over controlling, dictating terms, threats and ultimatums, you just can’t live life your way. The son’s don’t want him.
Though no financial setback but it takes a toll on your health.
Parents can be cruel, same like they label their children.
subra
and there are people who have called me…NOT WANTING TO LEAVE a note on the blog 🙂 Really there are 3 sides to the truth….Parents side, children’s side and the bitter truth…
ajit
Some parents who are staying in their own house, and getting pension, demand one third of their son’s salary as their allowance.
Pk
@ajit This is the reason salary should not be discussed either with spouse or parents.They should regularly be told about your hardship and lack of savings.
Nitin
This is called “Dharam Sankat” that it when there are two paths and either choice will lead you to compromise a dearly held value, you are facing a Dharam Sankat. The best strategy is to take a long term view !