this is the second part of the confessions of  adviser’s / relationship managers

some of the things that i wish to tell my client, but cannot!

1. When I asked you to sell (index 21000) you said ‘it will go to 25,000. Later on you say “You did not say it strongly enough”. Man, you are a genius!

2. Every time I ask you to increase the SIP amount you say you cannot. Yet every 6 months you ask me “when can I retire”. Hey Jerk you cannot retire. Simple.

3. If all the experts on tv are put together you will get your great “Investment confusion plan”. Please print it and implement it. It can make a great reality show.

4. At no time I can be sure you trust me. Surely the sex appeal of a ‘……….” bank employee I cannot provide. Sorry.

5. We advisers deal with money. That sadly means older people. So our enthusiasm is higher if you are younger and attractive. However the best advise is for the people with bigger cheques. Sorry!

6. Most advisers do not have an adviser. They are just too incompetent!!!

7. When an adviser says you need to have Rs. 5 crores for retiring, he/ she means Rs. 10 – 12 crores. The extra amount is for the stupid things you will do with your money while investing!! If you do not  ‘s#$%w’ around with your portfolio, you will need less!

8. If you really cannot afford my fee I will waive it. But goodammit! you are coming to me for investing!!! You cannot be poor can you?

9. Upwards of 90% of advisers do not have a written financial plan. After all Goldman Sachs believes ‘advise’ is for selling, not adhereing.

10. When we meet we agree that bad advisers should be reported – but…..you know how it goes. Where do we start?!

11. When it comes to one family member cheating another MANY of us turn a blind eye….

12. Just because I do not charge you on a per hour basis, it does not mean you can take your phone calls in my room during our meeting!